Before I moved to Turkey, I didn’t really have a good perception of how things happened here. I hadn’t dated many turkish men and those whom I had dated had grown up outside Turkey. When I finally got here, I noticed that in Turkish couples, it seems that women are expected to be submissive to men.
Have you ever had your boyfriend demand that you not speak to other males? Does he go through your phone several times a day, checking your messages and learning your contact list by heart? Do you have to give him a detailed account of your whereabouts? Who you were with?? Why were you with them??
It seems that the womans importance is undermined and that the general perception that Turkish men have of women is that they own them and can decide of how they should act or what they can or can’t do. This is seen in all Turkish villages, submission has become part of the womens daily life, could we blame that on the lack of education? What about the men in the cities? I just think it’s some sort of virus. The boy sees it from his father who then applies it to his own wife and his own son keeps the tradition going. I certainly don’t think that there is equality in this country.
If I’m expected to serve my husband and be his slave then I’m certainly not about to marry a Turkish man anytime soon. God forbid. Everything should be mutual, love and respect, trying to please one another, I don’t believe in having the upper hand in relationships, it ends up destroying them.
nonsensical reason
Write to be heard.
Adminical Stuff
Well, the circumstances you describe are in fact not unique to turkish relationships but coarse through the veins of any mediterranean couple. The tendency towards jealousy is quite profound in turkish men – as well as women. I have not dated any turkish men, however have made my own observations over the years. It seems that both turkish guys and gals become possesive of their partners (which might be traced back to fear of possible loss..) anyhow, and this in turn leads to all types of “ridiculous” behavior.
Yet, one must also remember that some of the things you describe may stem from the fact that Turkey is a muslim country and certain “values” can be seen in most muslim countries. Needless to say that I am not the greatest fan of Islam, however by no means do I intend any offense.
No offense taken. I know what you mean, I wasn’t sure if it was appropriate in mentioning it in my post but I do also believe that what I described stems from the fact that Turkey is a muslim country, even though it is extremly modern (despite the retards that govern us), it has its cultural colors and values which can sometimes be not so modern after all..The fact that this country is a beautiful gem just makes it all better though
hmm … yea it’s one of those countries whose cultural tendencies could serve up enough material for the writing of entire libraries…perhaps I’ll add yet another take on it one day.
Jealousy- the useless emotion. I was like that in the early days of my life with Ebru. It’s from fear of the unknown I think, especially the unknowns of your current circle of friends and relationships.. When you’re just beginning to get close to a person, you don’t yet trust them completely. That takes a lot of time and hard work- and the trust does not develop if you flat out fight and reject the jealousy. You almost have to pander to it a little bit, if it seems worth it to you anyway..
On the bright side, look at it this way: Men in general, Turkish or not, tend to be jealous only when they adore you and are thinking of a future with you. Believe me from experience, when the trust is established, the jealousy dissipates almost completely. My two cents worth.
hmm .. I wanted to ask you a question, though I’m not quite sure it would be appropriate to post it on the blog since it has no bearing to this topic.
I believe we cannot blame only the men, at one point it is our responsibility to draw a line in our relationships with men.
I have to disagree with Murat about “Turkish or not, tend to be jealous only when they adore you and are thinking of a future with you”, I believe their insecurity is the main cause to this kind of behaviour. Once you start checking cellphone calls, incoming messages, what will be next? checking emails, putting keylock to the keyboard? When you start doing that & when the level of your jealousy becomes very intense and irrational and needless to say, it could be very destructive.
Give it a try. Total surrender does not being a slave. In love you like being ‘slave.’
I don’t think it is really that much coupled with muslim. Go to Greece, Spain, Sicily, you will see the same type of behaviour. It is much more cultural, and due to social pressures. Part of the problem is also the lack of confidence, and inmaturity.
When I am in Turkey with my wife, who is very open and friendly, I am much less relaxed about things than I when I am in the US. The reason is that I do know the “Attitude” of Turkish men, and how they take things. That being said, I don’t think that in reality things are much different in the US.
I am 52, was Turkish, have no money, am fat and bold, my wife is beautiful, 27, born and raised in the US, and she is far more jealeous of me, than I am of her.
Really that type of attitude can be found anywhere and in every culture…As an African American woman I see this type of behavior in black men (esp. Africans)…I am not engaged to a Turkish man and he is more laid back than any man I have dated.
The only think about my fiance that I don’t like is the “I am the one to bring in the money” attitude (but than again he is paying for my college and won’t stop me from working, LOL).
oh I mean “I am now engaged” not “I am not engaged” hehe…
nice commends with serious observation and wisely thinking but (there is always a but)from that point of view i guess the sight is missing the other side of relations with turkish men.
this is a matter of offer and demand as usuall all over the world.
now lets think about some possible questions your dream man will encounter if he was dating with a turkish lady;
- if the turkish lady is wearing a super mini skirt and askin dream man (herein after will be mentioned as DM) how it looks. Dm most probably say great can we now leave for the cinema. and the reaction of the TL (turkish lady not turkish lira)will be something like refusing to go out that night. why? because the DM is not caring if somebody will see her very valuable pieces of her body which most probably she would prefer to show only to the DM. but a turkish man would most probably say that the skirt looks great and drives him mad but it will be better for her to take it off and put on trauser to go to theatre and she can again wear that super mini when they come back after theatre when they were having some drink. and the TL will gladly go to cinema or wherever with something else more conservative but dreaming about the time they will come back all night.
so this situation can be applies to many others. so turkish man are just trying to do their best to make their ladies happy happy. besides you can see many turkish man dealing with kitchen as uch as ladies or children may be more than their mothers.in turkey you can not see any ladies painting the walls working at road building, even no body let them to carry heavy bags when they are coming from bazaar. if you really want to see some bad things done to ladies by men i may advise you to visit russia.
in the more deeper part of phsycological way, this depends on individualism VS strong family bonds.
another issue which must be considered is the matriarchal background of turks before islam and this is still in their (our by the way) blood. today still the most impotant decisions are made by the elder mothers of the families or at least their advise is requested and considered seriously despite any islamic male domination. that’s why men are naturally guardians for the ladie’s, because if something bad happens to the lady the authority of decision will be lost. even the lady requires or not she will be protected.
i have tried to be as clear as possible though i still can see that it will not be so understandable for those who are not really taking it natively.
simple sum up fot the topic; missing of jealousness between a couple can be reason for divorcing…
This is a very interesting topic.
My current boyfriend is turkish. Somewhat years ago I dated a turkish man as well.
I totally understand the fear and the differences we feel during the contact with this culture.
There are aggresive, jealous, cheating men in every culture and not just Turkish men. We can’t group any men from any culture anyways, I think it really depend on the individual. Of course there are some similarities and values all turkish men share.
Believe me, after the first turkish man I wasn’t too hot to have a turkish boyfriend again.
And I will tell you why. As I am asian I wasn’t really accepted into his family (actually they were kind of freaking out), I felt whenever i was with him and in his world that I was still an outsider, an outsider that also had some rules to follow while I am wandering in “his” world. I mean it was nothing big, it is more about, behaving, clothing and appearance wise.
Thinking back, I could see that we had a communication problem, with 23 , we were just too young and I couldn’t understand his mentality and background. Showing emotions was something he cannot and most of the time he will just leave for a moment and come back later.
Growing up we both have different ideas about how a relationship should be and they do (in most cases) adapt it from the example of their parents.
The ending was extremely painfull, because though I had different relationships before. I had never felts this way for anybody. Now I know why and the conclusion.. I will tell you.
Now being 34 years old I met my current boyfriend. It is kind of funny as I was talking with him I asked him where he was from. I was hoping deep in my heart “not turkish, not turkish”. I hesitated. But ended up talking with him for hours.
And now the clue : The reason why I hesitated and not being keen on the idea to be involved with a turkish men again was… every person grew up with their own value and expectations influenced by your own culture and parents. Have someone coming in your life telling you what to do or what to believe ..is somehow taking your “pillow” away and you feel helpless and it’s kind of “insulting” like if that what you believed in what was right , suddenly is wrong. You can feel worked up and insecure about it, but I found out if you want to think negative about something you would never able to see the good things.
I now understand why the relationship was painfull, because I adored certain qualities about these men which I never had before. From all the relationships I have to say that turkish men , if they love you, they will do everything to protect you. Through the history these men were “warriors” , protect your family and of course your woman.
It is not common that they let you mingle with their male friends or any other male friends in Turkey, the idea that one of his friends or other man is looking at you and having “indecent thoughts” just drive them nuts. The same as with the clothes, I don’t think they want to be in control of you or possessive. Well they do see you as their woman and they want that nobody is disrespecting his woman, they will see that as disrespecting him as well. The modern woman are not used to this behavior and thoughts, we will read it as obsession and possesive and over jealous without studying the culture first. Just imagine ..other way around they are looking at us and think we are nuts? It’s just changing eachothers positions and see it from a different perspective, what is normal for us might not be for them and vice versa.
Though nowadays we have different kind of guys. I do found the “good-old -fashioned” guy in turkish men. They do have problem with showing emotions, but pick the right moment and the right tone to talk and listen to eachother, will help alot. They are not stupid , they are fast learners, and even when they don’t admit, with time they change as well. There is a trick you can use with turkish men…don’t use disrespect tone or critisize them or push your way through. Formulate your words and feelings into a question so it will sounds like if you are asking him for “advise”. so at the same time you make them feel that he needs to protect you but you have a chance to tell your side of the story as well.
Since I met my current boyfriend, I haven’t been so happy for a long time with any other man. He respects me and we learn eachothers ways, I opened myself up for his culture, values and he to mine. Whenever there are problems we said, we just sit down at least 1 or 2 hours a week and just talk on a normal tone and no nagging and bitchin.
1 thing for sure…I do feel safe, protected and very loved by a turkish men. It workes better for “me”… at least..better than all those “free thinking man” who doesn’t want to be responsible for anything and always ends up with “i don’t know”.
I’d really like to thank all the ladies and gentleman that have shared their views on this post. I highly appreciated all the input! I do agree that we always need to treat love case by case and that Turkish culture and values have a lot to do with the way Turkish men act. I guess once both sides have an open mind, there is no limit to where that kind of relationship can take you.
I have a turkish boyfriend who wants to marry me, but I do not know him yet. I so frighten out about it. Everything I say to him he says yes, but i do not know if he will changes after we married and he come to live here in US. Now, he is working in Irack. I told him that maybe can be netter if he faind somebody else there since he is working with american soldiers. The other day a female soldier ask him to go out and he say not because he has me and he wants to be faithful with me plus he does not like to party. I meet him by his sister who live here. He is the kind of guy that i looking for. He does not smoke and drink, but he is 12 years younger of me. He never has been merried. I have two children, my daugther is 19 years old and my son is 20 year old. He does not care about it, he want to be here for all of us. I love him. He loves me, but we haven’t see ecah other in person. We have plans to get togeter in december, but he wants to marry me over there in Turkey. I do not about it. I prefer to marry him here in US. But the fiance form ask that we have to meet in person 2 year ego to ask his as my fiance. Please, help me with you advice. I forget to say tha I am a new born. I am Christian lady.
Lily,
Thank you for your comment. I found your story very sweet. I think that before you commit to anything you need to meet the boy and make sure that he is really who he says he is and that he genuinely loves you. It’s going to be tough to figure that out but you need to do it to ensure that you end up in a stable loving relationship and not a conn to get a green card.
Turkish men can be difficult to adapt to but some of them are just sweet hearts and it’ll be like butter on bread. You just need to find the right person who will make you happy and whom you’ll make happy in return.
I hope it works out for you the way you want it to. Let us know how it goes!
Love,
Idil
What you describe I have only heard about. I have never seen men like this and I have been living in Turkey, and married to my Turkish husband, for twenty years. My husband would think the guy you are describing is an ass. Granted, my husband is very urban and comes from a family of highly educated people. And so are all his friends. If anyone behaved as you described, he would be ostracized from the family and the group of friends, or made the butt of derisive comments.
There are overly protective men in the US, too. I once saw on Oprah a whole panel of men acted the same way, to the extent that one said he would dress his wife in a burka if he could, he was that jealous.
It all comes down to what you are willing to accept in your life.I would not be able to accept surveillance of any kind. My husband has been nothing but loving and suportive of me and my career the whole time. He changed diapers when our baby was born fifteen years ago and has been a loving, attentive father. Not all Turkish men are controlling and jealous.
I wish you the best of luck
[...] gave up on the idea of dating them altogether. Some think that what I describe in my post “Submission to love?” should be generalized, it could happen with every single man on planet earth. Ahmet from [...]
Hi I got married 4 months ago to a turkish grad student, I am worried. It is like being married to two different people. One is kind and sweet and the other is controlling, manipulative, secretive, lies. I am not sure what to do. And honestly I am sick of it. I am now expecting our first child and cringe at his behavior. I have sold my home, my business and now have a sick feeling I am making a big mistake, does anyone know anyone like this. I don’t believe this is cultural. I think it’s something else. I am so sad.
My boyfriend is turkish too. When i first met him he text me, called me and spoke to me on the internet everyday. He said he loved me within weeks however I have been hurt in the past so it took a bit longer for me to say the words. I am from Britain and have been to see him 6 times in 1 year.He won’t even try to get a visa as he says that it is impossible. In july he rushed away to see his father as he said that he had a girl he wanted him to marry. My boyfriend said that he wanted to marry me not this other girl. He also said that we must marry quickly when I came for my next holiday which was scheduled for August. I told him that I wouldn’t marry him if that was the only reason. As time went on I changed my mind and agreed to marry him. He was very happy but as time got nearer he became withdrawn. It appears that his brother had returned to Turkey and said that we could not marry unless he said he could. He doesn’t like english women! My boyfriend started not contacting me so anyway I arrived for my holiday. He picked me up from the airport as usual. The long and short of it is that we weren’t going to get married and since i have been back the contact has not improved. when I try to talk to him he closes up and says he doesn’t understand me and that i don’t trust him.I just don’t know what to do-if it was 1 of my friends I would tell them to end it-any advice?
Annie,
If you believe his behavior could harm you or your child, get out of there as fast as you can.
You do not want to endanger yourself especially if you’re expecting.
Sarah,
I know that love can bring some complications. It seems to me that your boyfriend might be torn up between his family and you. Sometimes one must be selfish and act in their own interest to make sure that they do not get hurt. The portrait you painted for me gives me the impression that you’re not in the healthiest relationship and that maybe you should consider calling it a day. If getting married isn’t what you wanted in the first place then don’t let him put thoughts into your head. There are too many urban legends in Turkey as to Turkish men prowling for visas with English girls so be very careful. If you fully trust him and believe he is sincere then by all means but if you even have the slightest doubt, then I’d advise against tying the knot.
I hope this helps,
Idil
Yes, I met this great guy on Facebook and he’s graduating from computer engineering this year and how we met was completely random. Things progressed quickly being he’s romantic like most Turks. However, being that I am American I was shocked about little things at first. One being that he is muslim he hates dogs and my dog makes me happy.He said he would try to like dogs for me. Second is that I was mortified at what he said about women being weak because he said that if we were to ever work out I would have to stop working to live at home after having a kid. I hate the idea of feminism makes me feel like I am worthless. My problem is that I really care for this guy and he hurts my feelings when it comes to women. What should I do?
Whatever you do, do not let him strip you of your dignity. You are entitled to work and have a life just as much as most men do. Being a stay at home is also a wonderful full time job but if that wasn’t what you wanted to do then you shouldn’t be forced into it. We let love blind us most of the time but when it comes to matters like these taking a step back and looking at all from a clear minded perspective is always good. You are the master of your own life, don’t let anyone else decide for you. And btw, dogs are great, I’ve got four myself and I love them to bits, he’s silly for not liking them
I am a brazilian woman. I met a turkihs man on the internet. I talk to him every day. Since i met him, I am realy interested in everything about turkish culture,specially on the turkish man behavior. He is maried, he said me he loves his wife, so why does he stay awake in the midle of the night to talk to me while she is sleeping? I am so confused. If turkish man are jealous, why they want to have another woman beyond his wife?
He wants to visit me and i am afraid. I never saw him before. But i am also afraid of being without him.
P.s. my english is not good.
I met my husband in Israel in 1999 and we got married in 2003 in Istanbul. We are now living in UK with my 2 daughters in my first marriage. He has been a jealous man since I knew him. I am thinkming it is because he does love me that much but I am becoming sick of his irrational behaviour that he is even jealous of my kids. He said he is our problem and he knows why, it is because he is an idiot. I never lied to him since the day we met, he knew that I have kids. I cannot leave my kids somewhere and just be with him alone. I quite agree with the attitudes described herewith. One thing more, I am a professional person and sad to say he’s not, so when I get dressed up for an appointment or a seminar he eyes me and says I have a boyfriend, sometimes I just ignore what he says but sometimes I get really mad. He chooses what I wear and he tells me when and what to do. I get confused at many times because I also have kids to think about. I am getting mad with his behavior and one time he almost killed us in the car, when I told him I don’t like him anymore and I am not happy at all. he said I took his 7 years off him and I should pay him back, he wanted to kill ourselves in some sort of car accident. I was terrified because I have my daughters that time at home. What are they going to do if I die suddenly? Also my husband had become viloent 3 times. The kids saw it, he smashed things up at home, my computer table, my house walls, he has smashed my wireless kit, he threatens us of smashing every thing at home that we like and we needed most. He never helped at home, not a single time he lifted his finger to do any house work, not even putting the bin outside. He does lives with us but I pay our mortgage. He said he will shoulder some of our utility bills and the food which we should be doing every 2 weeks but he keeps himself busy and I ended having the food and shopping done bit by bit. I felt that this is unfair, he has never kept his word, he works so hard and keep his money in his bank then everytime we go to Turkey to his family he will withdraw all his money and even he has taken my gold bracelets which some of it he has given to me but 2 out of five bracelets were mine, I mean I bought it with my own money. He sold it then where ever he put the money from it, I don’t know. He asked for me to invest for a land and I took a loan in my bank and paid £12,000 for the land for the villa he said, then when we came to Turkey this year, he said his brother has started building a 6 bedroomed apartment in that land. Where is my villa? he never ask me for any opinion whether I like it or not. am I being a fool here? please help me because I am terrified of the things he might do to me, mentally I am already tortuted and abused by him. It has cause me so stressed that even my daughter does not want to stay in UK but insists of going back home, we are originally from an asian country. My daughter had already hurt herself because of frustrations. i think in a way she has been distressed in what she sees in my husband’s attitude. I love my kids and I will do everything for them.
I met a lovely turkish man locally in the uk.He treated me very well and was always very protective of me.He never critisized me and helped me when i needed it. I was with him for over 2 years he was everything to me and today he told me that he was going back to Turkey to his wife and children. I knew that he had children but he had always told me that he was divorced.I am heartbroken but I have had over 2 lovely years with a wonderful man and I hope that someday I will find happiness again.
I have met a turkish men about 3 months ago.
He is married and has children, but not happy in his marriage. I am divorced and also have two kids. We have been seing each other almost every day. He seems to care about me a lot.
Last night i found out that he also has a turkish woman that he sees and they had a relationship for about two years. We talked about it and he sad that since she speaks turkish, cooks turkish food, does his loundry and etc he wants to keep that relationship, but does not want to break up with me either because he deeply cares about me and wants to be with me. I have never felt so good as i feel with him and i dont want him to let him go either, but i am not sure if i can handle the situation. May be he is just playing with me…
Anybodys opinion is welcome and valuable.
Thanks
Lovelybelle – i am also an african american woman dating a turkish man…we’re borderline engaged, but his family is still a bit concerned…you, and other American/non-Turkish woman dating or engaged to Turkish men provide very useful insights into how to deal and adjust…i would love to communicate further…
I am 18 years old and i met a turkish man on my holiday to Fethiye in august last year. He is 24 years old. I fell for him straight away and he wined and dined me throughout my entire holiday. I have never fell for anyone in the way i have for him. I have always been very wary of Turkish men as i hear stories about them only wanting to get a visa and move into the country. It hurts me to think that this might be what he wants. I might be going back to see him at easter and i can’t wait but i’m scared because of the stories i have heard. He rings me regularly and i miss him so much. He says that he used to live in the U.K for short periods of time with his last girlfriend. I am usually a very headstrong girl but at this moment in time i feel vulnrable because i have really fallen for this guy and i love Turkey aswel. I just don’t know what i should think, could i please have some advice? Thank you
hey nikki, i feel the same!im 20( nearly 21) and im after falling for aq turkish boy aswell.he is 25 and i met him when i was in turkey in september. we talk almost every day, either by phone call or text or msn. im not the kind of girl to be made a fool of or to fall too eas for a fella but i am with this boy……tis madness:) a lot of turkish/kurdish boys do want visas to get into our country,but then again a lot of them dont. just bare it in mind though when u are with him, be wary, if he drops hints about coming over to stay with you, be careful! give it time to get to know each other!
reading all these storys i must tell mine i also meet a turish boy on holiday i am 49 he is half my age we have been in touch ever since .i have been over several times to see him and also meet his family who made me very welcome . he says he wants to come to england but not to live he wants me to go to turkey where we will be married. we speak every day i all my friends say i am stupid . i live alone never see anyone . i have no money which he knows i dont in fact he proberbly has more than me. i work 24/7 what else do i have . so yes i am seriously thinking about this
i can always come home why i dont know nothing here anyway
Thankyou Aoife i think we have a similar situation. It’s so confusing but i just don’t want to make a bad choice but i suppose i’ll never know unless i try. As for Joy i think you should just see how it goes. It sounds amazing that you have found someone that makes you happy. Would you move to Turkey with him or would you bring him over to England?
I am Polish and live in UK, I find British and Polish men usually ok and reasonable, I went to Turkey on holiday and was terrified, they are agressive and very unpredictable, I would never date one.
I am a middle aged woman in my 50s American. I have been with a turkish man for 10 years. I love him and we were going to get married but he changed his mind because he felt I made demands on him when my computer went down and thought it would not work. Actually, I think he has his legacy so called from his first marriage and his brother and sister and mother to help and i have two sons that are much better looking and more successful and he just blames his ex for his kids being dishonest and immature even though they are in their 30s. He is very much into his GENES and has more money than I do but I am completely independent in my own home. He was educated here and in an American school in Turkey but his father was not nice to his mother and he drinks too much and can get nasty. I feel like I am isolated because he is kind of different and few people like him and most find him awkward socially. He has always been nice to me except for these few times. However, I have lost my job and may lose my house but he has not offered to help me in any way and he is a millionaire. I think they are jealous of other’s kids and all they care about is their blood relatives in the end. It is just engrained in them and in reading these posts it certainly seems that way. My ex husband has disappeared from the planet and my sons are in college. I support them and my parents too because they are originally from Spain and that is what we do. I thought he was more modern since I could never date a Spaniard due to the macho nature but it seems like he is modern only when it suits him. His ex wife left him for another man, she was Swedish. He claims he was traumatized by that but he is not that type and it was 25 years ago. Most men would get over it and now she is fat and unattractive so i don’t know what his problem is. I know that i had hope that he would change but now I am almost 60 and lost my friends and chances of happiness most likely. Will sell my home and deal with my life while he counts his money and
moves on He said he would not marry a Turkish wman becauder they would want children and he wants no more. I guess he is reverting back to his cultural heritage and copying his own father. He thinks that he has endured so much but actually he leans on his family to do the real stuff and only throws them money so he is not a giving person really. His family knows this but they humor him. Just my experience. He also doesnt like me to disagree with him on politics which is odd for me since even Spanish woman can have their own opinions,. He wants to be the driver yet he doesn’t accept that he had committed to me with no real intentions of being a life partner. he claims is honest but i think he is really not that g0od. The Aisasn woman had a good point you cannot criticize them you have to treat them with kid gloves and Spaniards are very direct and different Perhaps that is the problem. He wants someone that can manipuate him with charm rather than tell him the truth. His family is so much nicer than he is. They are wonderful people. They just told me to remember that he has a good heart. i guess they were trying to tell me he is difficult. thaTIS MY PAINFUL EXPERIENCE WITH A TURKISH MAN,. Also,i tseems all his friends married wealthy womena,..marrying up so to speak to women of all races but they have to have a wealthy family since the friends do not. I didn’t know people still did that type of thing in the USA.